Life According to Amy

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"There's a fine line between sassiness and meanness, do you know what I mean?" Ryan the "sensitive" husband asks Amy the "bombshell" wife at 12:29 in the morning. And she says "yes," poutily because what she wanted to write about would have made her happy. Just then, she thinks about what he has just said, and realizes that it could very well be a quote that summarizes her life. She decides to write a blog entry in third person that she's pretty sure will not be funny.

She writes a few sentences and then begins to wonder if "poutily" is really a word. She then decides that whether or not it is really a word doesn't matter as much as whether or not people will understand that it's meaning is derived from the word pout. Then she thinks to herself, "Wow, pout is one of those words that when said enough times or when looked at in print enough times start to be very funny, kind of like the word 'salt.' "

Amy's pretty sure that she's the only one who finds long nonsensical ramblings to be incredibly funny, and she's convinced thanks to her "sensitive" husband that she and her best-friend are the only people in the world who still talk about high school on a semi-regular basis. But she really can't help it that she, unlike most people, had a really amazing time in high school. For more on where this particular nonsensical ramble originated take a look at Amy's sister-in-law's blog, (the comment section.)

So, Amy is now over her assertion that the above quote sums up her life, but since she has begun a blog entry on it, has decided to continue with the theory. Somewhere between sassy and mean, in Amy's opinion, is every man's dream woman. Hence the wildly succesful Meredith Brooks song, "Bitch" (It's ok to cuss if it's in a title.) So, Amy will, upon occasion, sink into this really sad attitude which is both sassy and mean, but not really who she is at all. And it's sad because really, deep down, she just wants everyone to feel good, and wants other people to like her, but since that will never happen she just hurts peoples feelings instead. But a lot of people hurt her feelings and she's too passive agressive to tell them, so instead she just lies in waiting for an opportunity to hurt them back, that way, in some small way, she wins.

Now Amy is mainly sad because the last paragraph she wrote was so sappy. She thinks about deleting it, and actually while she's at it deleting the whole post, but then decides that would kill the documentary style narrative she has going, which, while not humorous, is at least very unusual. Now she's teetering between delving into the super sappy inner emotions she occasionally feels, or bucking up and finishing the post.

Her protective shields tell her to just finish the post, and tell her husband about the annoying "emotions" she's feeling, after all, he is very "sensitive."

Amy has been feeling blogging withdrawal and is pretty sure that is why she has let the blog accidently drift into the "non-bloggable region." The "non-bloggable region" is any topic you would expect to find in either A.) a blog or B.) a thirteen year old's diary. Blogs that drift into the "non-bloggable region" give other blogs a bad name. It's kind of like how even if you're not a whore, but you hang out with a lot of whores, people will call you a whore.

Amy's waiting for that one funny line that will make this blog entry worth her time...and it doesn't come, and it doesn't come. "That's really too bad," she thinks to herself, "oh well at least I didn't waste my time reading it."

Amy is a Cancer who believes astrology is demonic, enjoys long walks on the beach (which in Loveland is the shore of a man-made lake,) and candlelight dinners (even though she can't remember the last time she has eaten solely by candlelight.

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Ok apparantly, when you don't have time to post new blog entries, people get disgruntled and stop reading. To maintain your readership I'm posting.

Of course, I still really don't have time to come up with anything clever and wonderful so I will share with you the true correspondence between a man and his London hotel.

London Soap Dilemma:

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to
the London Sunday Times.

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Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in
the shower soap dish.

They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soapdish as! you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change
your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid,

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my
note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my
medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have
brought my own bath-size Dial, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which
are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving,brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, ! Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I
have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies
for any past inconvenience. If you have future complaints, please contact
me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM
and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-n today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet,
along with her
regular delivery of! 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I
have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my **@??ing
room, including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room si! nce our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realise I have 54 bars of
soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial.

Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive! daily. I don't know anything about the 4
Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was
able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As
of today I possess:

On the shelf under the medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.

On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

On the nort! heast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On
the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in
use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in
the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman



I think misunderstandings are so super hilarious!! Anyway, in case you are still bitter that you are getting no new postings I would like to direct you to a site that I found funny and sad. It is a list of peoples requests for their "last meals" before they are executed. At first it's funny because the first guy asks for two diet cokes, and you're thinking to yourself, hey buddy, they're about to kill you, you don't have to worry about the extra weight. But then it's sad because you realize all these people are dead, and had to actually make a request for a last meal. Then they had to eat it knowing they were trying to comfort themselves with tons and tons of food, but it would never work because they were going to die no matter what. I got sad and stopped reading it, but you should all read it, and try not to be sad.

final meals

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Well, now that I finally own my G5 and final cut pro 4.0, I've had less and less time for blogging. Once I get caught up on all my editing, I'll try to better distribute my time between editing and blogging.

To tide you over until I'm over this new editing kick, I have compiled for you a very humorous and true list of searches performed by internet users which have pointed them to my blog.

Google search: "chaps" photo


Google search: women having a flat tire

Yahoo Search: mlfs

msn search: free mlfs

Google search: chaps pictures (*see, you think I accidently listed this one twice, but oh no, it was two seperate searches, see the earlier one was a search for photos, this one is a search for pictures)

Dogpile search: amy grant jokes

Well, everyone have a great week! Sorry it's been such slim blogging, I promise to improve, eventually.

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*Warning, the following blog entry is not funny at all, in fact, it's just a boast of a new worldly possesion!*

I almost never publish updates on my actual life, but today I'm making an exception. I am writing this post from the Apple Store where I am purchasing a new Power Mac G5! (And there was great rejoicing!) So, now I can start editing all those weddings I've shot for my new video production company, which unfortunately for you means posting might be on the light side, but I'll do my best to tear myself away from Final Cut Pro, and write something humorous for your entertainment every now and then.

*of course any reference to "me" purchasing anything acutally refers to "my generous husband"

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Alright everyone...it's the segment of the blog you've all been waiting for: Jack Handey Question and Answer!!!! We have a whopping three questions to tackle today.... but don't worry if you're still dying to have your question answered, go ahead and submit it and I'll get to it in the next round...oh yes, this will be an on-going segment.

Our first question comes from frequent reader, Doug. Doug says:

"I've had an amazing weekend, but I no longer have the energy to live. (Not in the spiritual sense, I'm completely worn out and get tired after moving ten feet.) I also have lots of work to do which I must complete quickly or else I may not make it in Hollywood... and I have a phone call to make."

Now Doug has asked a very complex question which will have to be broken down a little.... the first segment of his question seems to primarily deal with ambition...and as Jack Handey would say:

"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."

Now the next part of Doug's question, which actually isn't really a question at all, but more like a life scenario, deals with his need to "make it" in Hollywood. This specific need was adeptly addressed in the following Jack Handey quote:

"I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, 'Hey, let's put him in the movie.' "

The last section of his scenario was that he needed to make a phone call... well Jack Handey says:

"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.' "

And I guess if all else fails for you Doug, there is one last foolproof plan, which is this:

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. "


Ok, and with that said we're on to Christina's question. Christina asked:

"What is it about back hair that is so repulsive to women?"

Well the answer to this is best given in parable form.

Parable #1, by Jack Handey: "When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

Parable #2, by Jack Handey: "I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, 'Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.' Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman."

Our final question today comes from faithful reader, Erica. Erica also opted to just give me a random statement instead of any kind of question...so the moral of the story is, if you don't ask a "question," don't really expect an "answer" just expect something random and possibly entertaining if you're lucky. Erica's pseudo-question is:

"My boss' new favorite game is when I'm in the bathroom, to run to the door, knock, and yell, 'Erica, what are you doing in there?' "

Well, I'm pretty sure the answer to why your boss keeps doing this has something to do with this quote...

"I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory."

However, I think we all know, if we've been keeping up with Erica's blog, that she's very, very satisfied with her job, which brings up a new question posed by Jack Handey...

"If you're a happy employee, does that make you 'gruntled?' "

Well, that's all the time we have for today folks.... basically because I'm in the middle of an intense game of monopoly...I'm pretty sure I'm going to kick Erica's butt because I have the only houses on the board, and actually I'm about to buy hotels as soon as my next turn starts...and here's the kicker.... they’re on boardwalk and park place! Hooray!

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I've always loved Jack Handey. I think this is probably due to the fact that at a young, and very innocent age, I was exposed to my parents', and older brother's, very twisted sense of humor.

See, I was brought up in a family where I was not allowed to watch the Smurf's because there were spells cast on that show. I was also not allowed to play with Barbie Dolls because Ken and Barbie weren't married, and well, every good Christian parent knows that their good Christian daughter, if given a Barbie doll, will force Ken and Barbie to have extramarital sex, thereby overriding every piece of parental advice ever given on the subject. So, instead of Barbie Dolls, I played with "Heart Family Dolls." Heart Family Dolls had a mom and dad, both wearing wedding rings, and a son and a daughter. They were practically as good as Barbie dolls I'm sure, just without all the torrid sexual affairs.

See the irony is, while sheltered from the unspeakable evils of Barbies and Smurfs, I was allowed to watch anything and everything Monty Python while my parents and older brother laughed out loud to the Lumberjack song, and I believe this has forever affected my personal classification of what is funny. (I would like to point out that some of the gags on Monty Python shows were much, much worse than anything I could ever have imagined doing with a Barbie doll.) However, to my parents credit, I never became a witch, and I didn't have sex before I was married, I'm pretty sure that I have my lack of interaction with The Smurfs and Barbie Dolls to thank for that!

Nope, instead of doing those things I learned to make very inappropriate but very, very funny and shocking statements. I definitely have Monty Python to thank for that.

Where is this all going you wonder...well everything in life comes full circle, so go back to the first sentence and read... "I've always loved Jack Handey." See, that's where this is going.

I've always loved Jack Handey; I especially love quoting Jack Handey from memory. If you've had the opportunity to hear one of these rousing performances I'm sure you laughed out loud. In fact it's usually just as entertaining if I'm reading it from a book, mainly because my greatest talent in life is reading. If I could just land a job reading books on tape, I'm pretty sure the world would be a much better place.

Now, I'm of the opinion that there is a Jack Handey quote appropriate for every situation known to mankind. I'm challenging you all to ask me questions relevant to your life, and I will respond to you with a Jack Handey quote. You may ask me questions in the comment section or send an email to alertminion@hotmail.com

Ok, so I realize every other time I have asked anyone to interact with my blog in anyway whatsoever it has been a complete and utter failure, but I have faith in all my little minions this time. Basically I'm begging you to send me questions, and if you don't then I'll just make up questions and answer them myself. So there it is, my plead/threat. Get to it; you'll like it I promise.

And just to get you excited about the new installment of advice through "Deep Thoughts" here is a Jack Handey quote that I believe sums up my personal / socio-political philosophy.

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

- Jack Handey

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I'm no golfer.... but thanks to anti-feminists everywhere I won a "longest drive" competition at a recent golf tournament. Seriously, I golf once a year, at the golf tournament, and that's it.

Now just imagine for a second, a world where the feminists got their way and men and women were considered to be equal in every way. Well, first of all it would be a world of crazy lies. The majority of men can run faster, jump higher, and swing a golf club much harder than the majority of women. Now, don't be sad women, men are also responsible for 99% of the world's violent crimes. Personally I'd rather be a sensitive, emotional, intelligent woman who can't run, jump, or swing, but will probably never be sentenced to spend any time whatsoever in a room that does not have enclosures around the toilet.

I believe that the WNBA is proof that most rational men and women recognize a distinct difference between men and women. The fact that the WNBA is primarily shown on "Oxygen" (Television for Women) is even more proof, because it proves that second-rate basketball can never make prime-time and all the feminists in the world can’t do anything about it. However, it is also proof that Oxygen really doesn't understand their primary audience. Women don't like watching basketball, the fact that the players are all women does not make the game any more appealing to women, if anything it makes the game, if this is possible, even less entertaining. Seriously, are there any feminists left in the world hard-core enough to sit down and watch a game they never enjoyed in the first place just because they support the women who are playing? And, shouldn't the feminists realize that the WNBA is one of the greatest threats to their agenda because it proves again and again that women must be treated differently from men, because the are in fact different.

Sorry I'm hopping back up on my soap box, but to my credit, I just graduated from a four-year university...aka.... liberal brain washing central, and I'm finally free from the rhetoric that states again and again that men and women are exactly the same, in fact, men can be women, and women can be men, and if we could all just become completely androgynous then we would live in a great utopia.

So anyway, on the eleventh whole of the Perroto Invitational I won the prize for the longest drive "for women” those two little words signified that while my team came in last, and I have no defined skill in golfing, or any other sport for that matter, it doesn't matter because I'm a woman, so even my meager efforts will be applauded. Of course, it might also signify that the Perroto invitational really, really needs more female golfers.

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