Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Alright...another blog directive has been accomplished. You can now contribute to the content of my site by sending me humorous websites, articles, or topics to discuss for blog postings. Send anything of even marginal interest to alertminion@hotmail.com
Hey, let's get crazy and knock out two blog directives in one posting.... if you would like to receive emails when my blog is updated, thus becoming a "fan" of my blog. Send your email address to alertminion@hotmail.com it might help if you put something like "fan" in the title, but even if you don't I'll figure it out! That's why I graduated summa cum laude* because of my uncanny ability to "figure things out." I'm pretty sure this one skill will land me the presidency one day. It's amazing what you can accomplish with limited ambition and a great deal of common sense.
Should you become a "fan" of my site, I promise not to ever forward you anything, ever, even if the forward will reward you with a million dollars, a date, good luck for thirty years, as well as eternal salvation, simply for forwarding it to five people!
I've been thinking about some technical aspects of my blog...."Life According to Amy" and the url http://amyspeaks.blogspot.com don't match. I'm pretty sure that is a huge usabiltiy flaw. But then again, usabiltiy sucks. Maybe the fact that my blog is not especially "user-friendly" will help weed out potential readers who are a little lacking in the very important talent we will continue to refer to as the ability to "figure things out." I'm pretty sure this would be a really great thing because people who rank low on the "ability to figure things out" scale, tend to rank awfully high on the "ability to get irately offended over relatively insignificant comments" scale.
Now to my next concern, as it turns out "Life According to Amy" is one of the least creative, or let's face it, interesting, names for a blog! In fact, if you gave nine monkeys a typewriter and asked them to come up with a name for a blog, probably in sign language or something, remember koko everyone, oh wait, remember Baby Jessica who fell down that well...hmm sidetrack...a new blog directive is to have baby Jessica post a comment on my blog...anyway, right....ten monkeys...typewriter... asked to come up with a name for a blog: at least nine of them would come up with either "life according to monkey," "the world according to monkey," "monkey's life," or "monkey's world." So, yes, I'm a little sad about my blog's name, if you have any suggestions for a better name please post them in my comments section. I would just take the time to think of a better name, but today is my anniversary, so I'm awfully busy thinking about being an old married woman! Hmmm...old married woman...that has potential for a blog name, not much though, so think up something brilliant. My one consilation for my blog's name being "Life According to Amy" is that perhaps the funniest blog, other than my own of course, that I have read is called "The world according to Pete" you can see his blog at http://worldofpete.blogspot.com but only if you promise to continue reading my blog after you've read his blog. You can read his in addition to mine of course, but you are not allowed to completly jump ship or else I'll get really depressed when I check my new alert minion email address several times a day, and realize that I have no minions at all!
Ok, third concern about the blog is the url. "Amy speaks" sounds kind of like a new doll. You know, the kind you can feed and bathe and talk to, and then she talks back, just like a real baby except that, if you go partying for a week and leave her at home in a closet, no one will come and take her away! See, that last comment is one of those that people could hypothetically take offense at, even though I love babies and would never condone leaving them in closets. In the words of my best friend (yes this is another sidetrack) "You're blog's pretty funny, but if I didn't know you I would think it was really weird." Ok, the other problem is that when I came up with it my husband said "Yeah amyspeaks is a great url, because it's about my favorite things amy's peaks." Right, so there's that. Yep, we may need a new url.
*The title of summa cum laude is fraudulent. Amy's diploma is currently being reprinted because she is no longer summa cum laude (top 1% of her class) but has been knocked down to magna cum laude (top 3% of her class.) This is due to her receiving a B+ from an insecure pseudo-professor trying to teach her a life lesson. That life lesson being basically, that even if you work hard and are incredibly succesful, insecure individuals will always find a way to rob you of your accomplishments just because they think you will learn something from it.
This post has been awarded a two-star rating. You will not be given a reason why because I am desperately trying to teach you a life lesson!
Friday, July 25, 2003
Look out boys and girls....it has just become a three star blogger day! That's right three posts in one day. Whew, I am worn out. I'll have to go back to sleeping and fake cleaning when I'm done with this! Fake cleaning consists of cleaning just enough to impress my husband but still leaving things messy enough that they would surely disgust my best friend's mother.
Hmm, best friend's mothers should have some kind of terminology, seeing as how they're almost as invasive in your life as an actual mother-in-law. Perhaps they could be called "mother by consentual friendship choice".
Anyway, back to the topic. What, you might ask, could be so monumental that it would warrant yet another blog posting today. (FYI...my husband warned me not to overdue it, to just wait and post again tomorrow that way people had something new to read every day instead of three postings in one day and then nothing for a week or so, but I told him he was crazy...and should re-read my sporadic posting policy.) There has been a tremendous addition to my site which is sure to bolster both my ego and yours. Now, you can interact with me, that's right, send me comments, in fact send me several comments everyday so that I can prove that I am superior to my husband, sister-in-law, and friend Erica, who all have blogs competing for you attention. Show them that you care intensely about my sad little life and not theirs!
This gives you a great opportunity to re-read my blog, and comment on your favorite entries. Feel free to provide humorous commentary that all the readers will enjoy. (I think that by making this sound a little like an infomercial you're sure to capitulate and do as I command, because honestly, would there be so many infomercials on television if they didn't work with some people?) Act now, time is running out...not really of course, but metaphorically or something.
Oh, and incase you're curious, I will now post for you my upcoming blog directives.
1. I will set up a fan list where you can be sent emails anytime I update my blog, that way those of you who are a little anal retentive and annoyed by the sporadic posting policy will be appeased.
2. I will create an underground blog with an address that changes daily, the address will be sent to those of you who are not being discussed in the underground blog. That way I can write slightly mean things about anyone in my life, and they won't be offended, until of course the day when they are clever enough to discover the address, find out what I've been writing and become extremely upset. Plans like this always blow up in peoples faces it's inevitable, but that doesn't mean I won't attempt it.
3. I will open a new email address devoted totally to alert reader emails. That's right..why should Dave Barry get all the glory for being hillarious when he's actualy cheating by having other people send him his material. Soon you will be able to help me cheat. But I'll have to come up with a term other than "alert reader" because I'm pretty sure that's what he uses...hmm how about aware minion? If you would like to become one of Amy's "aware minions" stay tuned for more details.
*This blog entry has been awarded a two-star rating, sure it wasn't all that funny, but it was damned informative.
Ok I'm feeling a little guitly (a feeling that is actually quite difficult to induce in me) that my last post was really just a waste of time. So I have decided to provide you with links that, while wasting your time may actually amuse you. And in honor of my last posting two of the three are written by dave barry. The third one is just a funny website I found the other day.
1. http://www.randomhouse.com/features/davebarry/davefaves/ This is dave barry pointing out humorous or actually just bizarre websites...which is really what inspired me to include my own humorous/bizarre website find....see #3.
2. http://www.randomhouse.com/features/davebarry/emoticon.html This is dave barry explaining emoticons...very funny.
3. http://www.origamiboulder.com This is one of my new favorite websites, it is funny not just because of its content, but because it is fairly well designed, which means someone must have actually put some thought into it.
By the way...shout out to Mike Perrotto and Doug John who actually think I'm funny!
*This post has been awarded a one-star rating, but you can't complain because this is two postings in one day, and two one-star postings should just about equal a two-star posting. Two stars implies that the posting is only slightly amusing, but you will read it anyway, because honestly, what else were you going to do with your time? Work? That's crazy talk! (10 bonus points for anyone who can give me the simpsons reference to "crazy talk" you can email your attempts to eyesojoy11@aol.com, honestly you can email anything there, and if its funny enough it will make my blog.)
You know who I love? Dave Barry. He's hillarious. Ok I realize that me appreciating the humor column rantings of Dave Barry is a little bit like admiting that I listen to Amy Grant. (Which, honestly, I have cut back a little bit lately, I swear.) It's not that I'm ashamed that I enjoy his writing, it's more that he's just not hip. By not hip I mean that if I were at least twenty years older, he would be hip. Poor Ryan, married a senior citizen.
Good thing no old people read this, or they might be offended at being considered a senior citizen at the age of 42, but honestly, I'm pretty sure life will be pretty depressing when we all reach that age, but we'll try to deny it by living through our children.
Anyway, back to Dave Barry. My good friends know that I would eventually like to steal Dave Barry's job. I mean, it would be pretty sweet to be paid to write about junk. But now I have a new reason for wanting to steal Dave Barry's job. See, I recently did an online search for Dave Barry, and the first few websites were all opportunities to book Dave Barry for meetings and speeches and things. So, basically he's a humor whore. This totally appeals to me. I would love to be a humor whore.
It's also kind of funny that you only have to pay between twenty and thirty thousand dollars to get him to speak at your event. Man, even Bill Clinton gets paid more than that. I'm sad to live in a country where we pay our ex-presidents more money to speak in public than we would a really funny guy, who typically talks about insects, snakes, kids, or electronics.
Hmm....now to create some really funny topics of my own so that I can become the ultimate humor whore....maybe I could be an opening act. Public speeches and humor columns should definitely have opening acts.
Right, well this blog posting is going nowhere. That's kind of sad. I really thought I could potentially be funny today. It's just not happening. I guess that's why I can't steal Dave Barry's job, because he has to be humorous on a regular basis.
Maybe I'll start giving my blogs a star-rating. One star being, don't waste your time, this entry is just me babbling about nothing and trying too hard, and five stars being, look out dave barry, a younger, hipper humor columnist is on the way to steal your job. But, then you wouldn't have to read my entries that suck...so I'll put the star rating at the bottom of each post, that way by the time you get to it, it's too late, you've already subjected yourself to my meandering thoughts.
And, by the way, is it just me, or does ketchup always taste better when it comes out of a packet?
*this blog entry has been given a one-star rating. That's right suckers.... there's five minutes of your life you can never get back again!
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Keeping up a blog is hard work. Ok, yeah umm that's a lie. It actually takes about fifteen minutes for any one post, because I generally just sit down and type out whatever I happen to be thinking of at the given moment. I always did that with essays in school too. Any given paper would take me about an hour, and I was irately offended if it received an A-. So, I guess the real difficulty with blog up-keep is not the writing of the entries, it's the implied obligation.
The idea of being tied down to a task of any kind is frankly, terrifying. After I graduated I got a taste of this freedom, and I realized I don't ever have to do anything I don't want to do ever again. Ok, ok, I realize that while this statement may be true, it is highly immature, and that all "grown ups" have to do all kinds of things they don't want to do. I concede that I too will eventually agree to do the mature thing, but just not right now.
The problem is, at this point, I won't even allows myself to feel obligated to do things I really, really enjoy doing and basically want to do, because I am haunted by the thought that there may come a time when I don't enjoy them anymore, and then I'll be stuck in a hastily entered obligation.
See, this diluted logic is the reason I only post new messages on my blog sporadically, that way there is no implied contractual relationship between me the blog writer, and you the blog reader. Actually, I really love posting on my blog, but see I just can't be tied down to it, just like I can't be tied down to cleaning my home, cooking meals, promoting my business, or calling any of my friends on a regular basis. I realize this is self-destructive, and I'm really thinking about changing my policy, but I just can't commit to any kind of timeline for a potential change right now.
Since I have adhered to the sporadic posting policy...hmm policy, does that imply an obligation? I may have to change that word later... it seems that I have missed the opporturnity to write on several topics with a great deal of potential as humorous blog entries. Some examples of these were:
1. The continuing saga of the anti-baby pills (it dragged out for well over a week and included a change of the dreaded appointment date.)
2. A crazy hippy pot-smoking woman who danced around red rocks at a concert I went to, she made a fool out of herself and fell all over everyone.
3. A crazy cute underaged girl who got super super drunk at Fiddlers Green during another concert I went to, she made a fool out of herself and fell all over everyone.
4. How the underaged drunk girl convinced me that really drunk people are charming and cute and that I too wanted to be a really drunk person but then how I decided that really drunk people are stupid and I never want to be a really drunk person again.
5. How my friend Erica allows strange, drunk, fake psychiatrist men to call her for dates. (This entry would satiate Erica's undying desire to be in my blog, as well as blame her for several of my decisions...in fact it would have encompassed some blatent lies, and a good time would have been had by all.)
6. How my japanimation loving friend, Greg, refuses to read my super hilarious blog (this was going to be an entire entry that chastized him for not reading my blog in an attempt to make him actually read my blog.)
7. How you can not rent a car until you are 24, unless you're willing to pay tons and tons of money, but you can make a life altering decision to have an abortion at the age of 14 without your parents even having to know about it. (yes, you are all really, really lucky not to have to read this blog entry.)
So you have just read a filler blog, that's right a filler blog. A blog entry that talks about nothing at all but gets my husband to quit bugging me about updating my blog.
Tune in sporadically to learn how my trip to Oregon to videotape my second wedding went, unless I come up with something better to write about, like my theory that it would be really really great to make friends with a midget so I could take them bowling, or my top secret plans to patent a new invention, (it's basically a ladder made up of several magnets that repel each other about a foot...the magnets are circles one foot in diameter....you stack up the number of feet you want your ladder to extend, stand on top of them, and then turn on the magnetic forces which will shoot you up into the air. Of course, the real problem comes in containing the magnets somehow so that they don't just repel each other over to the side where they would all fling off the pile ending in great peril....but see how beautiful it could be if they all repelled straight up in a single column...oh yeah, I will be a millionaire in no time.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Ok my promise of "tune in tomorrow" was a huge lie...because honestly I'm not in to sitting around my home writing about my life in a blog, instead of living my life during a holiday weekend. However, just to keep people from thiking that the blog was one of my many three day projects that I get excited about until they become boring, I have decided against my better judgement to go ahead and create a post in my blog even though it Sunday, a day of rest.
The fact that it is a Sunday is my excuse for writing a very short post, which you will discover as you read further isn't even a new post, but an appendix for the previous post.
So, if you remember, my doctor had just finished bribing me with the possibility of more anti-baby pills in return for my scheduling the "yucky appointment." I capitulated. So...even though I had been making a huge fuss I still waited another day or two to actually go to my pharmacy to pick up my prescription. And get this I actually felt a little guilty or not going in sooner. I drive up, ask for my prescription, and they reply "Yeah, umm we called your doctor....and they said you're not a patient." That's right, my doctor's nurse is a lying bitch.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Warning! Men will very likely be very disturbed by today's posting. I wold tell you not to read it at all except that I feel you should feel sorry for women. Therefore read on, and then go buy your gal a crazy wonderful present just for dealing with the pains of womanhood!
The world is conspiring to force me to have a baby. Oh sure, this makes me sound like I'm crazy, but I'm not. Dont' get me wrong, I really love children, in fact I want four. But not now. I haven't even been married for a year yet. (The 29th will be one year.) So, I don't want to give in to those parenting urges yet. However, if my 24 hour pharmacy or my doctor's office has anything to do with it, Iwill be pregnant within the month.
Generally medical professionals try to discourage 21 year old girls (I'll be 22 on the 11th) from concieving children. See, I called Friday to renew my anti-baby pills (that's what I call birth control pills because it just sounds a little more amusing and I don't do things unless they amuse me.) I have renewed my anti-baby pills every month consistantly for the last twelve months, but for some reason this month they refuse to renew it for me. They need a doctors permission or some craziness like that. This made me a little nervous... I was pretty sure they were going to try to con me into going to the bad doctor, you know for the "yucky" appointment.
Anyway, they tried to check with my doctor, who adamantly insisted I was not a patient there, which is good because at least if I'm not her patient we can't do the "yucky" appointment, can we? So, then I called my doctor and told them that they had my maiden name on record while my pharmacy had my married name on record (crazy name switching, no wonder those militant lesbian feminists are against taking on a man's name when they get married.) So, the lady I was talking to was totally inept and told me I should just call my pharmacy again. I thought, wonderful why didn't I just think of calling them in the first place, oh wait that's right I did, and they told me to call you. So I call the pharmacy and ask them to call the doctor's office again. Two days later I find out through a message my husband had forgotten to give to me for 48 hours, that I would have to call my doctor again. Hooray, I think, that worked so well last time...and seeing as how people who work with prescriptions every day of their lives can't figure out the problem, I bet one more phone call from me will clear everything up.
So I did what every girl who is too young to be married would do, I called my mom and asked her to call my doctor. This worked amazingly well. Until my doctor's nurse called me and said that they would only renew my prescription for one more month because I'd have to come back in. Curses! See, I'm very against the "yucky" appointment. The first time I went for a "yucky" appointment I was tricked by my mother. She said I was just going in for a yearly physical. The next thing I know the nurse is asking me if I've had sex before. I replied no, getting awfully suspicious of her intentions. She replies with, "well I think this size will still work," and she pulls out the hugest vaginal torturing device I have ever seen. Why yes, I'm thinking, I bet all virgins really love "that size." I never returned until I was forced to so that could be on anti-baby pills for one month before I was married, and now once again I am being coerced to return, just to keep me from having a baby.
Well, screw the establishment, maybe I will have a baby just so that I don't have to go through the crazy "yucky" appointments. Oh damn. I'm sure having a baby is actually much more intrusive. Oh Well. If there's any good news that comes out of this story, besides you know, the obviously great news that I have missed three days worth of pills, and am being forced to let some crazy lady doctor poke around down there two days after my one year anniversary it is that....oh wait....that's right...there is no good news.
Tune in tomorrow when I promise not to talk about any of my body parts.
''
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
When people my age call up Dr. Laura talking about a relationship, she always says something along the lines of, "You're way too young to even be considering a serious relationship. You don't even know who you are yet." Of course, I've been married for a year now, so I've often wondered what this says about my, so far, blissfully happy marriage. Honestly I haven't worried about it too much. Until lately.
My husband has just done something that has caused me to reevaluate this whole "let's not worry about the fact that we're too young to know what we're doing in life" policy. He has started a blog. I realize this may be offensive to anyone who is actually reading this, but blogs are inherently geeky. It's a combination of reading your sister's diary and hanging out in internet chat rooms all day, and that's just for the people who read them, that doesn't even begin to encompass all the facets of the people who write them. Don't get me wrong, I like plenty of people who are addicted to blogs, but I never intended to become one.
Well, now my husband has taken that decision out of my hands because he is writing a blog, and any wife would be foolish not to read anything her husband was publishg online for strangers, either it will have to do with her, or have to do with things that will ultimately effect her decision at the end of the day about whether or not she is married to a good man.
So I have joined the legions of blog readers. I was dragged kicking and screaming into a new realm of geekdom, and from reading blogs it's only a small step to actually writing one. I don't want to be dissapointed with myself a year from now, so I've decided to just get the dissapointment out of the way by starting a blog now and accepting my fate. I am now as bad as my husband, I too am screaming for attention in the most desperate way possible: I am screaming for attention, online, from people who have lives just pathetic enough to allow them the extra time to search out random blogs and read them.
Now, I knew my husband was a geek. It's not as if this whole writing a blog thing was a profound revelation that would forever change the course of our marriage, as I discovered that my husband was not at all who I thought he was when I agreed to marry him. Whew, now it looks like I won't have to call Dr. Laura this afternoon afterall. However, it was almost like an act of supreme acceptance of his inherent geekiness. You see he didn't just create a blog. Oh no, he created a blog made up entirely of haikus. All hail the crown prince of geekdom, my husband. Now, at social gathering, or business meetings, or anytime my husbad has a paper and pencil ready (hence why I have banned all writing utensils from the bedroom) he is furiously scribbling away and chuckling to himself at his own creativity.
Haikus, what can be said about haikus, except that they were an annoying form of poetry we all tried to forget about shortly after we learned about them in third grade. Now, I must embrace the haiku as a permanant part of my pre-mature marriage. Oh well, he can write his haikus and I can vent about him in my own sad little supreme act of acceptance of my geekdom.
Tune in tommorow, when you will learn the details of how the entire world is conspiring to force me to have a baby!
