Thursday, February 05, 2009
Monday, February 05, 2007
Google does not like that I have blogged about my cats being slightly neglected. Google has sent me a friendly suggestion through the sidebar of links on the right hand side of the screen. It was an ad for a link that said: "Keep your cats happy: More cats means more responsibility. Learn how to keep them happy and healthy." Oh google ads, you naively thought that it was just out of ignorance that my cats were not happy and healthy. Shame on you for preaching morality to me google ads. Except, that I guess you know me pretty well because the title of another ad was "It's all about you" and that's pretty much true. There was also an ad for hello kitty underwear, but that is neither here nor there. Now, I know that after reading this you're all going to glance over at the right hand side of the links to see what's there. So, if you see anything particularly ironic or telling, post a little paragraph about it in the comments section.
They grow up so quickly... Just today, when I mentioned changing the diaper of my 18 month old son he dutifully pulled out a diaper and laid on the ground. I changed his diaper, he stood up, and I handed the old one to him, and said, "go throw this away." He quickly took it, and walked with determined purpose out of the room. I have to admit I was pretty proud of my son, and the way that he has begun to understand so many new things, and even help me out. It was a wonderful feeling, until about two minutes later, when I heard the toilet lid shut.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
If I were the kind of person that should own animals. You know the kind of person, they are nurturing, and sweetish, and they don't mind when the animals ask for food or water, cleanliness or attention. If I were one of those kind of people I would have two birds; specifically, I would have two rose bourke parakeets. They would be my love birds, they would be mostly decorative, they would live in a beautiful white victorian birdhouse, and there names would be "pretty" and "pretty princess," and I would have a bazillion dollars and hire someone to give them food, water, cleanliness, and attention, because let's face it, there does not even exist a parallel universe in which I am the kind of person that should own animals. I had Erica draw me a picture of pretty, and pretty princess, and I had Ryan sing me a song, while he was at work, in front of his co-workers and boss, about pretty and pretty princess. I don't remember the song, but that is the picture.
So if anyone reading this would like to trade two rose bourke parakeets for two very sweet, and semi-neglected cats (because afterall, I'm not that kind of person.) Or if you just want two cats, you should post a comment right away. I'd even let you have the cats if you were a crazy cat lady who had six already, in fact I'd especially let you have the cats then.
P.S. There was brief talk, if I ever had twins of naming them pretty and pretty princess, but then pretty would always be super jealous of pretty princess. Plus if I have quadruplets I have already vowed to names them serenity, divinity, tranquility, and sissy pink, and there are only so many commitments you can make about the names of your fictitious multiple birth babies.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Dear Animal Activists,
The following post will only upset you. You really shouldn't read it. It will cause you great emotional trauma, anyway isn't there an animal testing facility somewhere you should be targeting. Whew, now that the whackos are off planning liberal acts of sabotage, the rest of us may continue.
You know that old game, bigger and better? If not, dont' worry I'll elaborate. There is a game that groups of young people sometimes play where you start with something small and without much value like a paperclip, then you go up to a stranger's home and you say, "We're playing bigger and better, would you trade us this paperclip for something bigger and better?" Then they rummage around their house and find something like an old scarf they don't wear anymore and they give it to you in exchange for you paper clip." Then you go to a new house and you say "We're playing bigger and better, would you trade us this scarf for something bigger and better?" This continues until you're hauling home a ping pong table or a futon. Come to think of it, this game might be a great way to furnish a college apartment.
Anyway, I decided it would be really fun to play this game using strictly live animals. You'd start by going to Wal-Mart and buying a gold fish for around a nickle. Then you'd show up at your first house, "We're playing bigger and better, would you trade us this goldfish for an animal that is bigger and better?" I think it could be a lot of fun, people trading their boring or undesirable pets for a smaller, newer pet. At this point I might trade one or both of my cats for a nice hamster. We decided the one draw back is that if you were the one playing the game, the best you'd probably end up with is a very large cat that pees on things.
*If any of you animal activists are still reading this, you should calm down because a. I've never played this game. b. I don't intend for any of my readers to play this game and c. If anyone were really willing to trade their pets in this game, they probably weren't taking great care of their pets to begin with, maybe they really needed a smaller, easier to care for pet, I'm doing the world a service, in fact, maybe this game could be kind of a mixer game for new peta members all over the world!
Thursday, May 19, 2005
According to my husband love is complicated.
He told me last night, "No one really understands love." I asked him if he did. He said he wasn't sure, then he said, "If someone came up to me and said that were going to shoot either you or me, I'd ask them if they were going to try to have sex with you, and if they said yes, I'd have them shoot you, and if they said no, I'd have them shoot me, for me that's love I think."
Yes Ryan, I think that must be the highest expression of love on the earth, yes, now why can't I ever find a Valentine's card that says that?
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I know, another two post day, it's always all or nothing with me. Really though, this was just too blog worthy for me to not blog about. This is based on a phone conversation with my sister. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, keep in mind she is turning nineteen, and this was her approximately twenty minute response. I thought about just posting the birthday wish list and making everyone guess the sex/age of the person requesting these items for their birthday, as I'm sure most of you would have guessed somewhere in the neighborhood of a nine year old boy. So, without further ado, what my soon to be nineteen year old sister would like for her birthday:
1. A nice pair of brown flip-flops (so far so good, right)
2. A soccer ball.
3. A volley ball
4. A baseball bat
5. A baseball (My sister must be starting some kind of summer youth camp I don't know about.)
6. A sombrero
7. 2 intertubes
8. paddles (keep in mind a set of paddles she got for her birthday last year are still sitting at my house, I asked her about them, she said, oh you mean the broken ones? My thought was, then why have I been storing them here for you?)
9. A life jacket
10. Aviator Sunglasses
11. Enter the worship circle cds 2 and 3
12. A frisbee -regulation size.
13. A kickball (And you thought I was kidding about the summer youth camp.)
14. A black zip-up hoodie
15. A gorilla mask. (No, I'm not making that up, she also asked for a gorilla mask for Christmas, but didn't get one.)
16. Overnight hair curlers
17. A white skirt that is big and flowy but not full length
18. A new raft, (new because she got a raft last year for her birthday, she claims it is broken, I asked her if she' d just as soon have a repair kit for her raft, she said, well if someone wanted to fix her raft for her that would work.)
19. A set of small waterguns. (When I asked her what she meant by small she said, " like the size that would fit in your hand, or well a guys hand, because their hands are bigger."
20. old-school roller skates
21. A pretty dress to wear to my friend's wedding.
22. A trip to water world. (She clarified that I could not take her to water world because I am pregnant, thanks for the safety tip!)
23. Long hair. (Yeah, I know, I asked, she said, that she just sometimes throws in random things to her lists.)
24. Black sweat pants.
25. A book on tape sold at kinko's called something like "Get anyone to do anything you want." (If you know my sister this seems like a very dangerous thing for her to have, since for her birthday few years back she made people fall down stairs and give her their car for the day. I said, "So it's basically just a book about how to manipulate people?" and she said, "Yeah, I really want it.")
26. this is a direct quote "Maybe a cool picture of you and Ryan, maybe I could be in it, you could put it in a frame from the dollar store."
27. Black spandex spankies. (I had to ask what these were.)
28. A cool sleeping mat for camping.
After listing all of this she says, "Did I mention a kickball?" I told her yes, then she says, "Oh good, oh and did I mention old-school roller skates?" She also asked me if there were any other things I could think of "for the good of the group" I asked her what group she was referring to, and she didn't have any response for that. Hopefully it's a group of nine year old boys who can take turns wearing her gorilla mask and black spandex spankies while skating and participating in various outdoor sports.
I have decided that you should all vote on which of these random gifts I should get my sister for her birthday, I will take your votes, listed in my comments, into consideration while choosing a gift. Also, if you have any of these random things lying around your house and would like to donate them to my sisters birthday fund, let me know.
I have learned at least one thing about pregnancy: it does bizarre things to your sleeping patterns. I'm sure this must be God's way of preparing me to never have normal sleep patterns again. Yesterday I slept in until 11:15, it was beautiful. That used to be a daily occurrence for me, much to my husband's chagrin, ( http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=chagrin) but lately I'm typically awake between seven and nine a.m. with a few bouts of random wakings between four and six a.m. Today however, I woke up, completely unable to sleep, at 2:15. I was a little shocked when I looked at my watch, because I felt pretty rested and thought it must be around five or so.
Perhaps I became fully awake after spending five full minutes asking my husband to hand me my glasses which had by some fluke been set on his bedside table, instead of mine where they usually reside. You might think this was no big deal, but it's a pretty huge bed and trying to reach over him while I'm pregnant would have been quite a task at one in the morning. The abridged version of our conversation went something like this.
Me: Ryan will you hand me my glasses.
Ryan: Yeah
(Ryan does nothing)
Me: Ryan will you hand me my glasses.
Ryan: I am.
(Ryan does nothing.)
Me: Ryan will you please hand me my glasses.
Ryan: I heard you.
(Ryan reaches around in the air aimlessly)
Me: Baby, they're on the table next to you.
Ryan: (Clearly still 95% asleep) I just have to untie the phone first.
Me: No, I don't need the phone I just want my glasses.
Ryan: I heard you.
Me: Forget it.
Ryan: You try to get them, I can't.
Amy: Yes you can, they're right next to you.
I'm pretty sure at this point I stomped out of the room upset, Ryan sighing in utter frustration because he can't fathom my annoyance. After going to the bathroom, a new nightly occurrence since being pregnant, I come back in the room, and perhaps unfairly, wake Ryan up again, and say something about how if I can't even get him to hand me my glasses in the middle of the night, how on earth is he ever going to help me with a baby.
Ryan and I have had many such exchanges, my favorite was when I was trying to get somewhere early in the morning, my keys were lost and I finally tried to wake him up to have him help me look for them.
Me: Honey, I can't find my keys, I need your help.
Ryan: Just query them.
Me: Honey, it's not a computer program I'm trying to find my, nevermind.
So, since about an hour past our delightful conversation I've been awake. Since it's almost 4 am now, I'm going on an hour and a half of wakefulness. What does one do when one can't sleep at 2:30 in the morning? That's simple:
1. Search for a basic partnership agreement online. (The man at my bank has been calling me every other day for probably just over two months politely demanding that I file a partnership agreement with him for our business account. I used to just avoid his calls but our caller id randomly went out about three weeks ago, and since it is against my personal agenda to ever call and have our extremely erratic phone service repaired, I have instead been reduced to answering phone calls from everyone. This might not seem like a major inconvenience, but can you honestly imagine answering every phone call you received, having no idea what to expect? It's terrifying. I think the last time I spoke to him I promised I'd have a partnership agreement to him sometime in the next week, this was at least two weeks ago.)
2. Fill out the basic partnership agreement, making slight adjustments, and completely deleting clauses that I either didn't fully understand, or just seemed, in my estimation, to be superfluous.
3. Check my email.
4. Fill out an online survey for $1, but then find that I don't meet the demographic and don't get my dollar.
5. Check the status of some packages I should be receiving today. (It turns out they left Commerce City at 1:37 a.m.)
6. Randomly browse Craig's List. http://www.craigslist.org for baby items and free stuff.
7. Decide to republish one of my own items, but this time with a photo.
8. Recheck status of packages. (Surprisingly there was absolutely no change in the status of the packages.)
9. Play four or five hands of solitaire.
10. Register for a free online hold 'em tournament scheduled to start half an hour later.
11. Post a blog message to kill time until the start of the tournament.
12. Realize I have nothing more to say, but still have 14 minutes until the tournament starts. Seriously debate whether to play about ten more hands of solitaire, re-check the status of my packages so I can determine the instant they are checked into my local ups docking station, continue to ramble mindlessly on my blog, or take a shower and get a "head start on the day."
So, if any of you have anything you need done, for example: tax preparation work, internet research, resume writing, trip planning, you should let me know, because next time I'm randomly awake super early in the morning, I will no longer have a partnership agreement to create, so I'm soliciting busy work in advance.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
I may be the very best babysitter ever. I'm watching my nephew all day today, and it's only 8:40. sigh. So, since he wanted to play video games, I set him up playing Super Monkey Ball. He's playing a racing game, so I changed the settings so that each round is 40 laps. This way I can return to playing a free ultimate bet poker tournament. Now before you become really critical of me, may I point out that the game he wanted to play was 007. Whew, another juvenile delinquent averted by the best babysitter ever!
